Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club