Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.