If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
how was your vacation
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
RT if you could go either way.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”