Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Danger is very dangerous
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Best mom ever 😂
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win