Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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Jupiter
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I can’t wait!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I am a gravy boat captain
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted