The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.