Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
You Might Also Like
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What about second breakfast?
much to think about
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall