馃檨
turn that frown upside down
):
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one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I鈥檓 afraid they鈥檇 make me into a lampshade
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Wouldn鈥檛 it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN鈥橳 get all excited at her boyfriend鈥檚 games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My battle cry is, I鈥橫 TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5鈥檚 battle cry is, I鈥橫 NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I鈥橫 KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
It鈥檚 way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don鈥檛 know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I can鈥檛 find anything in my job description about being awake
HER: I鈥檓 a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I鈥檓 sweating bullets
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?