Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You Might Also Like
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Bit chilly again tonight.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.