Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.