@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
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@CelebrityChez: Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible! Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
@ElgatoEsmio: My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
@AmishPornStar1: I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters