@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
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@imchriskelly: At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"
@shegotagronk: You're so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don't you.
@WistfulBlue: When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
@uccjeb: Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.