Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?