Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.