Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You Might Also Like
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Worth remembering.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
never compromise your values
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.