Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Have a lovely day 😊
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?