Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
You Might Also Like
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My blood type is b hungry.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast