@XplodingUnicorn: Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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@ThisOneSayz: Me: want a grilled cheese? 6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat. Me: you got it.
@heidi420x: Me: was I born with a mental disorder? Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again Me: NO Mom: ? Me: I thought pants would be different
@markleggett: Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
@TheDreamGhoul: When someone asks "What's your favorite film?" instead of "What's your favorite movie?" I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them