Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it