*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
You Might Also Like
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one