I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]