*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me