“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Trumpy Cat
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”