*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You Might Also Like
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”