*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.