I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Who’s your best friend?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit