*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Only a mother’s love …
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Nice try, poison.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.