Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.