No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down