Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.