@realdealbiehl: Turns out 6 foot penguins don't exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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@ohheyohhihello: I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I'm proud of him, I doubt he'll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
@McMcmadmac: We named our beautiful daughter after my mother. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
@FunnyJokeBook: Parents: "Why don't you come socialize with the family?" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*