Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES