@realdealbiehl: Turns out 6 foot penguins don't exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER
@Chumpstring: I didn't spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
@Defiant_Doll: Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball. Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.