Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
You Might Also Like
*lint rolls you awake*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Golf would be better with landmines.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”