@thatUPSdude: Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
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@KalvinMacleod: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
@daemonic3: [graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"
@GingerHotDish: Licked a frog once. He didn't turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.