@thatUPSdude: Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
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@SteveSuckington: "I'm still a virgin" -theres plenty of fish in the sea "Ur right. I'll find someone" -no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
@lawbsterfest: Better names for porcupines: Needle Beaver Battlepig Hurty Squirrel Flail Monster Cactus Rat Capy-scare-uh Death otter Revenge Possum
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.