@thatUPSdude: Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
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@neiltyson: A curious tradition -- to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, "Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me."
@ClaytonSykes: I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@david8hughes: [meeting at round table] "King Arthur, if I may?" "Go ahead." "Castles but bouncier." "Bouncy castles?" "But you gotta take your shoes off."