@Home_Halfway: Wait...you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@hippieswordfish: HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea

@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.

@ClichedOut: [about to post] Social Media Police: Is it reliable Me: Yes SMP: Source? M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend SMP: Proceed