@orny_xo: Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.
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@jakob_huber: Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]
@Darlainky: Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*
@howe007: I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic".
@heatherlou_: Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.