@orny_xo: Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.
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@yonewt: Is it that you think I can't eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won't? Either way, you're wrong.
@HolycrapitsaKat: *Someone compliments me* Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
@IdoNotPoo: It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband
@KrazykurtKurt: Job interview: "what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date" "I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning"