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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat