I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.