@thatUPSdude: Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do.
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@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
@Slim_is_Fat: (Watching Liar Liar) Wife: If you couldn't lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married? Me: Until the end of this movie.
@LostCatDog: If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.
@shakenbakegurl: I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.