If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
got so much cardio in today