So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You Might Also Like
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop