Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My Sentiments Exactly