Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
TODAY
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]