Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums