turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.