@weinerdog4life: Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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@daemonic3: Her: *puts cherry stem in mouth *pulls it out with a knot *winks Him: *puts earbuds in pocket *pulls it out with 5 knots *doesn't get laid
@ClichedOut: *opens kitchen drawer* Me: Whoa, what's with all the whisks? Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
@iTomFoolery: We’ve had the selfie and now the selfie stick. So when will our phones be renamed Selfones.
@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.