Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You Might Also Like
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo