*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.