some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti