@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
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@thatdutchperson: [about to message girl he likes] Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid. Brain: OR
@NoogsCorner: Witch Logic: I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I'll use that broom.
@Sarcasticsapien: Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
@Nickadoo: The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would've been like.