@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@pixelatedboat: I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
@trevso_electric: The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
@sixfootcandy: ME: Hi. I'm in the gym parking lot. HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out? ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.