@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
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@ch000ch: cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
@jonnycarr1974: Him: I'll hold your hair while you throw up Her: *throws up* Him: *throws up in her hair*
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
@slackerjorge: Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I'm guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run