@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
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@Mike_Bianchi: Not sure if this girl I'm talking to online is real, so on our first date I'm gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
@Darlainky: [at parent-teacher night] Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler* I see you're a coffee enthusiast, too Me: Coffee? Oh...yeah, coffee*wink*
@Nikkeya08: Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year
@mrjohndarby: [looking at our kids baby photos] me: ugh, this one came out real bad wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS