@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@LizHackett: I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
@lemmywinkler: Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
@longwall26: Funny how we say "I drank a *pot* of coffee" instead of "I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword"
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them