@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
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@KalvinMacleod: BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
@hardlyrelevant: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
@tourettzgoth: Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette