@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
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@Marlebean: I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can't be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
@Just_Lee_: Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We're all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
@JoshuaTurek: Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president