Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.