I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood