@thejacquio: Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
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@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations Me: You mean my heartbeat's off? Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
@lovstructionist: Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that! *walls fall over revealing secret lab*
@tastefactory: Wizard: Give me a burger Waiter: what's the magic word? Wizard: Abracadabra Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
@ThaJawn: Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands