@thejacquio: Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
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@JermHimselfish: I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
@DanMentos: "none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?" I promise [later] *stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
@SteveSuckington: If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn't work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
@TitansHomer: How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*