@runawaycupcake: Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You put the wrong date on this. Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up. Wife: You wrote 1992.
@hookmeupinit: Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto "ah-ha-ha-ha-" intro to Stayin' Alive
@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.