If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Never be a pizza!
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
😏😏😏
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.