I am officially off the market๐๐๐๐๐
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Sorry, I didnโt mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
i donโt care if it will โbenefit our communityโ stacy. iโm not gonna take off this garfield costume
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
greetings!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Whenever I donโt want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper โmy ex loved this songโ
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, Iโm going to say โwhatever is easiest for you.โ
That way it seems like Iโm being really nice and I donโt have to make a decision.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?