Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me