Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
TODAY
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.